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Clearly, our entire life is mired when our marriage is less than what God intended. So much can be affected; our physical and emotional health, our feelings of self-worth, our effectiveness in the church and community, our ability to parent, our friendships, families, and even our relationship with God. Nevertheless, a personal crisis can sometimes be a good thing for a marriage because it often forces a couple to stop and re-evaluate things about their relationship that may need fixing. If your marriage is not growing, then it’s dying. Growth is important to healthy relationships and real love and commitment to our marriage includes doing whatever it takes to keep your relationship alive. Committing yourself to learning and practicing good relational guidelines can help you see growth and healing in your marriage. I’ve included some tips below to consider if you find your relationship in need of a few repairs.
- Begin by understanding that love is an act of the will and not just a feeling. Feelings do not sustain a relationship.
- Focus on the needs and desires of the other person instead of your own needs and desires.
- Try to overlook your spouse’s faults and shortcomings and value them for who they are.
- Stop trying to change your spouse. You can only change yourself.
- Stop thinking of divorce as an option.
- Realize that no one wins an argument. If you don’t leave a discussion with a possible solution to the problem, then neither party has won.
- Listen to their point of view and make sure you understand what your spouse has said. “What I hear you saying is…” is a great way to make sure you heard it right.
- Don’t be rude or talk down to your spouse. Communicate honor and respect.
- Watch your tone of voice and facial expressions when making requests or responding to your spouse.
- If your communication habits are not working, try changing your words… scripture reminds us that there is life and death in the power of the tongue, so choose your words wisely. Say things like, “Help me understand what you meant when you said……” or “Help me understand what it is ……”
- Make requests – not demands. Requests are in the form of WOULD you please…?
- Don’t use words like, “You never….!” or “You always….!”
- Schedule in some time to have fun…no arguing…no problem solving…relax and laugh…even if it’s just for one hour.
- Pray, pray, pray for your spouse, yourself and your children. Don’t underestimate what the Spirit can do in the hearts of each individual.
Healthy relationships are about living out the Golden Rule in your marriage…treating your spouse the way you would have them treat you….so go ahead and make a few positive changes and just see what good things God has in store for your family!
**Do you have any other tips that have helped your marriage be stronger? We’d like to hear them in the comment section of this article.
[Important note: If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek help immediately. Contact your pastor, a trusted minister or friend that can help you. Your local phone book will also list crisis centers and abuse hotlines. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength and courage.]
Beth Baus is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and has a private practice in Riverside, California. Sis Baus also teaches for Apostolic School of Theology / Hope International University. She attends Inland Lighthouse Church pastored by Rev. Larry Booker. To check out her website, go to www.ourhealthyfamilies.org
