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Ashley is 6 years old and still sleeps in the bed with my husband and me? Is this ok?
Honestly, it’s not ok. Kids need their own space in order to grow up to feel confident and safe without being right next to their parents. What I’ve noticed is that often when parents and children sleep in the same bed it’s not for economic reasons, nor for the safety of the child. More often than not, it’s about the needs of the parent.
Some parents keep their young children in bed with them as a way of avoiding intimacy. When there are children around, there is little time to talk or build closeness with one another. Other times, when parents work, or the parents are separated, having a child sleep in their bed helps soothe their own guilt about being away so often.
Whatever the underlining reasons behind why children sleep with their parents pass infancy doesn’t make it any healthier for the child or couple.
So how can you alter things to help your child make the permanent transition into their own room?
I’ve provided some tips for your consideration.
- Establish the rule that your child will now sleep in their own bed and make no exceptions. Don’t weaken to crying or whining. If you do, your child wins. Tell your child you are not going to keep coming in for kisses, hugs, discussions, begging, or pleading and keep your word. If your child leaves the room, simply re-direct the child back without discussion.
- Establish a bedtime routine. Brush your teeth, read a short book, turn on a night light and say a prayer…then give them a big kiss and hug. It doesn’t have to be complex, but it does have to be consistent.
- Make sure they go to the restroom and get a small drink of water BEFORE they go to bed. Then, no more drinks allowed until morning. Your tone should be kind but firm.
- Don’t lie down with your child. Let them know you will be back to check on them. Come back in 15 minutes and keep doing this until the child falls asleep. All the reassuring and comforting must be done in their room, not in your room.
If you maintain clear rules and consistent boundaries, your child will be sleeping in their bed throughout the night in no time. This will better prepare both of you for the new day ahead. No matter how much you love your child, you are going to love them a whole lot better when both of you has had a good night sleep. The benefits are huge!
Beth Baus is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Riverside, CA. She also teaches for Apostolic School of Theology / Hope International University. Sis Baus attends Inland Lighthouse Church in Rialto, California pastured by Rev. Larry Booker. To visit her website, go to www.ourhealthyfamilies.org
