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My mother died several months ago and I’m still having a hard time dealing with her death. I miss her and still feel so sad. Please help!
Of the many kinds of grief, the death of a loved one is often the hardest. It’s not uncommon that when the initial shock wears off, the funeral is over, and all the friends and family go home, what is left is a deep sense of lose. Often people cry more frequently, experience anxiety, and sometimes even feel angry for an extended period of time. Members of the family may grieve for the same person in different ways, at different speeds, with a different intensity, and with different waves of feeling. There really is no right or wrong way to grieve, so give yourself some time and space to grieve in a way that bests suits you.
In the beginning you will react with shock, disbelief, or denial even if the death was expected. You may even go through a time when you don’t feel like eating as you normally would, you have problems falling asleep, or sleep more than usual. You may even feel numbness and are just going through the motions of your day. People sometimes go through a stage of guilt, wishing they had been the one who had died instead of their loved one. All these stages are normal and pretending these feeling aren’t happening doesn’t help. What can help is finding someone you can share and express these feelings with, no matter what they are, and especially if you are experiencing feelings of self-harm. Know this, even the worst of your feelings will eventually pass, so it`s vital that we don`t let ourselves feel too overwhelmed or become too isolated. Asking for help doesn’t mean that you are weak. More often than not, people want to help but just do not know how to help, so ask them and be specific about what you need.
Here are a few things that can help you get through this difficult time:
Get some support. Find a good friend, a colleague, family member, minister, or counselor, who can really listen to what is going on inside you. Keep in mind that some people really want to help, but have no idea how. It’s ok to let them know that you need them to just hold your hand, or listen to you share a memory, or simply just give you a hug. Allow yourself to cry. Accept your feelings and express them. They are normal and it really is ok.
Take good care of yourself. You may need to take time off from your studies or work. You should get plenty of rest, eat light and frequent meals, and make time for relaxation and a little exercise. Doing these things does not mean you are being self-indulgent. It may be tempting to drink alcohol, use tranquilizers, sleeping pills or other drugs as a means to lessen your pain, but there may be a price to pay in not confronting your grief directly. So do your best to be patient. It can take months or years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed life.
Remember your loved one by choosing to do something meaningful to you, such as kiss their photo good night, buy a special Christmas ornament every year in their memory, write a letter telling them you remember a special event or a specific time your shared together, or put together a special album in honor of your loved one. Celebrate their life and how their life touched your life for a reason. Moving through your grief doesn’t mean “forgetting” your loved one, rather it’s getting passed the day your loved one passed on and remembering the times in which they lived.
Find strength and comfort in God’s Word. Consider these sure words of comfort from Scripture.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
“For the Lord hath comforted his people, and will have mercy upon his afflicted.” Is 49:13
Those who mourn will be comforted according to Jesus who said in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”
God comforts those go through troubles according to these words recorded in 2 Corinthians 1: 3, 4, “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”
“The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!’
The LORD is wonderfully good to those who wait for him and seek him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the LORD.
For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love.”
Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32
Beth Baus is a Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Riverside, California. She also teaches for Apostolic School of Theology / Hope International University. For more information, visit her new website at www.ourhealthyfamilies.org
