Posted by Money and marriage are too important to take lightly for the reason that financial problems are the leading cause of marital conflict and one of the main reasons people divorce. Often, the problem lies because of a lack of communication about individual goals, dreams and personal desires before the couple marries. It’s not until after the honeymoon that they realize that they have differences in their expectations and views on spending.
I’ll never forget the first conversation I had with my husband Mike about purchasing our first home. When I brought up the subject (several months after we were married), his expressions clearly showed his surprise. He quickly let me know that the plan was to live frugally so we could purchase a small plane (he is a single engine pilot) and after that, we would buy our first home. Well, if you think his expression of surprise was something, you should have seen mine! A plane! Did he really believe we were going to live in these cramped quarters and eat macaroni and cheese for an extended period of time and save all our money so that we could buy an airplane? Mike is a wonder guy, but yes, he did believe that. What we failed to do was communicate our beliefs about money before we got married and yes, this caused a tremendous amount of conflict.
Nevertheless, after almost 29 years of marriage, I can attest that even if you’ve married your financial opposite (and many of us do), there is hope for your marriage. The first step is making a conscious effort to find a way to financially coexist. I’ve given you a few principals below that helped me and my husband work out some of our differences.
- Put yourself in each other’s shoes. If one person is generally responsible for the budget and the other does the purchasing, switch roles from time to time. This way, both partners have a clearer understanding of the financial situation, cost for groceries, clothes, housing expenses, etc.
- Don’t begrudge your spouse small indulgences, but do agree to consult each other on big-ticket items. Put a dollar amount on what constitutes a big-ticket item now, so there’s no question later. For us, it was anything over $100. We’ve stuck to that over the years and it really has worked to keep us accountable to each other and not overspend.
- Don’t keep money secrets. For us this means, no separate accounts (the other doesn’t know about), no purchasing big ticket items or painting the house, buying a car, or taking out a credit card, without first talking to the other person.
- NEVER, criticize each other about money or spending habits in front of others. I can assure you this doesn’t make your spouse feel good, you look good, or your friends feel comfortable. It’s a no win any way you look at it.
- It’s never too late to set up a budget. Figure out what you’re bringing in and what is going out every month. You’ll have a better idea about what is left and how much you have to play with. If you don’t do this, you will overspend. It’s as simple as that.
- Assess your emergency fund. If you do not have one, begin now. Forget the early morning lattes and put the money into a savings account. Five lattes a week at $3.25 adds up to an $845 a year savings. You might be surprised at how a few simple changes could save your life, your home and your marriage. Every couple should have enough money to cover at least three months worth of living expenses so get started and begin saving for a rainy day.
Beth Baus
Beth Baus is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Riverside, CA. She teaches for Apostolic School of Theology / Hope International University. To learn more, visit her new website at www.ourhealthyfamilies.org
