Someone once said that words are the voice of the heart.  If that is true, then let my words be kind, gentle, loving, healing, and empowering.   Let me never forget to say please, thank you, you look great, I appreciate you, and I love you. 

And let God help me refrain from words of hatred like, you’re stupid, I hate you, or you’re a liar.  

We need to be careful how we speak and guard those words that pass through our lips because these same words become actions that become habits, which in turn become our character.  Our character determines the destiny of our relationships…and that of the success of our life…and all of these because of a word. 

As Mother Teresa once said, “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are endless.”

“Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil
      and his lips from deceitful speech.”   I Peter 3:10 NIV

 Beth D.  Baus is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Riverside, CA.  To visit her new website, go to www.ourhealthyfamilies.org

You can’t undo anything you’ve already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. You can forgive yourself. And then let God do the rest.

So you’ve made some mistakes in your life?  You’re not alone.   People are imperfect and do wrong from time to time.  The world is full of examples of this, and so is the Bible.

Let’s first look at the life of Jacob, a man who is also part of the lineage of Jesus.  It’s pretty apparent from what we read about Jacob’s life that he is a wheeler dealer type of guy.  His deceptive motives caused so much trouble in the family that his mother had to send him away to another part of the country or his brother was going to kill him.  The good news in this story is that God continued to work with Jacob throughout his life, and in the end, with a repented and renewed heart towards God, he becomes this amazing man that we are all still talking about.  (Gen 25, 27 & 32)

Then there is David, a man of valor, a courageous military leader and the most incredible King of Israel.  The Bible calls him, “A man after God’s own heart.”  So what mistake does he make?  Well, David decides that it’s ok for him to watch another man’s wife take a bath.  He then calls her to his room and the next thing you know, she’s pregnant.   To make it worse, he kills her husband so he can marry him herself.  Who can forgive that?  Well, God can and did forgive David although there were consequences to his sin, nevertheless, he repented and God forgave.  (2 Samuel 11 )

Here is one of my favorites, the Apostle Peter.  He walked and talked with Jesus.  He saw many miracles and even participated in a few.  Jesus told him that there would come a day that in spite of all Peter had seen and heard (remember he was the one that walked on the water); Peter was going to deny he ever followed Christ.  Peter said, “No way!” But as soon as someone asks him if he was a follower of Christ, he made it clear that he was not.  To make it even worse, he denies Him three times.  Then what does Jesus do?  Jesus tells him that He still loves him and forgives Peter.  (Mark 14)

I’ve only named a few biblical examples, but we could go on about a host of others that have failed and made mistakes like Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, the Prophet Jonah, Moses, Aaron, Miriam, Samson, Beth Baus, and most likely, even you.

Yes failure happens.  It’s not only the bad guys, but the good guys.  We all make mistakes.  But the good news is that our failures don’t need to be final.  Many of the greatest people in the Bible experienced failure, yet those failures did not keep them from serving God.  They confessed their sin, learned from it and let God do the rest.  And what’s even more amazing is that God often used them in greater ways than He did before.   

So what does all of this mean to us?  

It’s simple; God will forgive you if you mess up, as long as you confess your sin to Him and turn away from it.  This is great news!  Nevertheless, believing that God genuinely loves us and will forgive us is often not the problem.  What is the problem is forgiving our selves.  Let me make something clear; forgiving yourself is not about forgetting what you’ve done, it’s simply letting go of it so that you can move on and trust God do the rest.    

      The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
         My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
         My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

                                                  Ps 18:2

Beth D. Baus is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Riverside, CA.  She teaches for Apostolic School of Theology/Hope International University and has also authored several books.  To learn more, visit her new website at www.ourhealthyfamilies.org

Below are some helpful thoughts about how best to react to angry feelings and not be in conflict with the Word of God, by Apostolic School of Theology student, Tyrone Singletary, from his research paper on “Anger in the Church”. 

May God continue to bless and help you as you strive to be more like Him.  

Fair Fighting Rules

• Stay in the present. Don’t dredge up things from the past or predict the future.
• Stick to one issue. Try to identify exactly what triggered your anger.
• Use “I feel” statements. Stay away from “you make me” statements.
• Avoid the words “always” and “never.”
• Avoid name calling and degrading or profane names. Name calling and profanity are often the fastest way to arouse another person’s anger.
• Take time to listen. Don’t say, “I know what you are thinking or feeling.”
• Don’t interrupt–Wait your turn to speak. Only one person at a time should speak.
• Don’t assign blame. Avoid “I’m right” or “you’re wrong” statements.
• Focus on the real issue. Don’t argue about minor or unrelated details.
• Clarify what you are hearing. Repeat back to the other person what you heard them say. Ask them if you are on track.
• Don’t hit below the belt. Refrain from using intimate knowledge to attack or hurt the other person.
• Lower your voice. “A soft answer turns away wrath.”
• Take a time-out when needed. If you sense an unsafe situation or your own anger seriously limits your ability to follow these rules, agree to come back and discuss the issues at an agreed upon time.

Beth Baus is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Riverside, CA.  She teaches for Apostolic School of Theology / Hope International University.  To learn more, visit her new website at www.ourhealthyfamilies.org

 I’ll never forget the first conversation I had with my husband Mike about purchasing our first home.  When I brought up the subject (several months after we were married), his expressions clearly showed his surprise.  He quickly let me know that the plan was to live frugally so we could purchase a small plane (he is a single engine pilot) and after that, we would buy our first home.  Well, if you think his expression of surprise was something, you should have seen mine! A plane!  Did he really believe we were going to live in these cramped quarters and eat macaroni and cheese for an extended period of time and save all our money so that we could buy an airplane?  Mike is a wonder guy, but yes, he did believe that.  What we failed to do was communicate our beliefs about money before we got married and yes, this caused a tremendous amount of conflict.   

Nevertheless, after almost 29 years of marriage, I can attest that even if you’ve married your financial opposite (and many of us do), there is hope for your marriage.  The first step is making a conscious effort to find a way to financially coexist.  I’ve given you a few principals below that helped me and my husband work out some of our differences. 

• Put yourself in each other’s shoes.  If one person is generally responsible for the budget and the other does the purchasing, switch roles from time to time.  This way, both partners have a clearer understanding of the financial situation, cost for groceries, clothes, housing expenses, etc.

• Don’t begrudge your spouse small indulgences, but do agree to consult each other on big-ticket items.  Put a dollar amount on what constitutes a big-ticket item now, so there’s no question later.  For us, it was anything over $100.  We’ve stuck to that over the years and it really has worked to keep us accountable to each other and not overspend.

• Don’t keep money secrets. For us this means, no separate accounts (the other doesn’t know about), no purchasing big ticket items or painting the house, buying a car, or taking out a credit card, without first talking to the other person.  

• NEVER, criticize each other about money or spending habits in front of others.   I can assure you this doesn’t make your spouse feel good, you look good, or your friends feel comfortable.  It’s a no win any way you look at it.   

• It’s never too late to set up a budget.   Figure out what you’re bringing in and what is going out every month.  You’ll have a better idea about what is left and how much you have to play with.  If you don’t do this, you will overspend.  It’s as simple as that.

• Assess your emergency fund. If you do not have one, begin now.  Forget the early morning lattes and put the money into a savings account.  Five lattes a week at $3.25 adds up to an $845 a year savings.  You might be surprised at how a few simple changes could save your life, your home and your marriage.  Every couple should have enough money to cover at least three months worth of living expenses so get started and begin saving for a rainy day. 

Beth Baus

Beth Baus is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Riverside, CA.  She teaches for Apostolic School of Theology / Hope International University.  To learn more, visit her new website at www.ourhealthyfamilies.org

Most responded that they were selected or elected to represent fellow students and that their official position in student government confirmed they were leaders.

I suppose “office” or “authority” is a form of leadership, but to me leadership is an active noun. Office provides authority and status that can be used to lead, but if those tools aren’t employed effectively, the officeholder is not a leader.

True leaders are catalysts to bold action or meaningful change. They teach, persuade, and inspire. They change minds and attitudes. They mobilize people. The credentials of a real leader are the list of things he or she reforms for the better.

Unfortunately, exemplary student leadership is as rare as exemplary governmental leadership. One reason is that politicians in both contexts are often more concerned with building their resumes than changing the world. Another is that they tend to be so preoccupied with small issues that appeal to the immediate self-interest of their constituents that they fail to address harder, but more important, problems.

Focusing on the perennial issues of student government – parking, food services, social events, and apathy – virtually guarantees insignificance.

If you want to be a real leader, do something that truly matters. Tackle binge drinking, substance abuse, plagiarism and other cheating, irresponsible and disrespectful sex, hazing, or indifferent and incompetent teaching.

Sure, these issues are complex and difficult, but that’s why we need leaders.

Written by Michael Josephson and published on June 16, 2010 – Michael Josephson Commentary www.charactercounts.com

It doesn’t surprise me when talking with teenagers that peer pressure is the major reason why they sometimes go down this road. Nevertheless, we know that helping them learn to resist these pressures and doing what is right, is important for them, as well as an important part of being a Christian (Prov 1:10).  Clearly, drugs are detrimental to their health and spiritual wellbeing. The scripture teaches us that our bodies are the temple of God and we need to take care of them (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) and although they may not want to hear that, it’s our jobs as their parents to gently remind them of God’s love and His desire to make His home in their heart.  Jesus said, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.” (Jn 14:23)

All the media talk about the possibly legalization of marijuana and its supposed medical benefits only makes things worse.  Some teens will grab any straw to justify their negative behavior. 

So what can you do?  One of the best ways a parent can show love for their child is to set strong boundaries for them. Children who know where the boundaries are tend to be more stable and make better choices for themselves. This takes some work on our part, but it’s worth it. 

Renowned Christian Psychologist Dr. James Dobson gives this advice in his book Bringing Up Boys…the question was asked, “My son has recently begun running around with some kids who have introduced him to marijuana.  He doesn’t deny what he is doing because he says it is harmless. Can you give me the facts?”

He responded by saying, “Your son has been given some very bad information that is being passed around by those who are promoting the legalization of marijuana.  It is a lie.  Dr. Harold Voth, the senior psychiatrist for the Menninger Foundation in Topeka, Kansas, has set the record straight.”

He said, “First, five marijuana cigarettes have the same cancer-causing capacity as one hundred and twelve conventional cigarettes. Second, the part of the brain that allows a person to focus, concentrate, create, learn, and conceptualize at an advanced level is still growing during the teenage years. Continuous use of marijuana over a period of time will retard the normal growth of those brain cells. Third, a study conducted at Columbia University revealed that female marijuana smokers suffer a sharp increase in damage to their DNA, the genetic code.  It was also found that reproductive eggs are especially vulnerable to damage by marijuana.  Forth, a second Columbia University study found that people who smoke a single marijuana cigarette every other day for one year had a white blood cell count that was 39 percent lower than normal, thus damaging the immune system and making the user far more susceptible to infection and sickness. Smoking marijuana is a dangerous hobby.” [1]

“I doubt if your son will be satisfied with this answer, even though you should share it with him.  His motivation is probably related more to peer pressure than to his belief in the harmlessness of marijuana.  The danger is that he will “graduate” from pot to something harder and more addictive.  If I were you, I would bring all my energies to bear on getting my son away from the gang he is now running with, even if it requires you to move.  He is apparently at a critical juncture in his life.”[2]

This is good advice if you ask me.

Beth D. Baus is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Riverside, CA.  She teaches Christian Counseling and other counseling courses for Apostolic School of Theology / Hope International University.  To visit her new website, go to www.ourhealthyfamilies.org.

[2] Dr. James Dobson, Bringing Up Boys, Tyndale House Publishing, Wheaton, Illinois (2001).

My mother died several months ago and I’m still having a hard time dealing with her death.  I miss her and still feel so sad.   Please help!

Of the many kinds of grief, the death of a loved one is often the hardest. It’s not uncommon that when the initial shock wears off, the funeral is over, and all the friends and family go home, what is left is a deep sense of lose.  Often people cry more frequently, experience anxiety, and sometimes even feel angry for an extended period of time.  Members of the family may grieve for the same person in different ways, at different speeds, with a different intensity, and with different waves of feeling.  There really is no right or wrong way to grieve, so give yourself some time and space to grieve in a way that bests suits you. 

In the beginning you will react with shock, disbelief, or denial even if the death was expected.  You may even go through a time when you don’t feel like eating as you normally would, you have problems falling asleep, or sleep more than usual.  You may even feel numbness and are just going through the motions of your day.  People sometimes go through a stage of guilt, wishing they had been the one who had died instead of their loved one.  All these stages are normal and pretending these feeling aren’t happening doesn’t help.  What can help is finding someone you can share and express these feelings with, no matter what they are, and especially if you are experiencing feelings of self-harm.  Know this, even the worst of your feelings will eventually pass, so it`s vital that we don`t let ourselves feel too overwhelmed or become too isolated.  Asking for help doesn’t mean that you are weak.  More often than not, people want to help but just do not know how to help, so ask them and be specific about what you need.    

Here are a few things that can help you get through this difficult time:

Get some support.  Find a good friend, a colleague, family member, minister, or counselor, who can really listen to what is going on inside you.  Keep in mind that some people really want to help, but have no idea how.   It’s ok to let them know that you need them to just hold your hand, or listen to you share a memory, or simply just give you a hug.  Allow yourself to cry.  Accept your feelings and express them. They are normal and it really is ok.

 Take good care of yourself.  You may need to take time off from your studies or work.  You should get plenty of rest, eat light and frequent meals, and make time for relaxation and a little exercise.  Doing these things does not mean you are being self-indulgent. It may be tempting to drink alcohol, use tranquilizers, sleeping pills or other drugs as a means to lessen your pain, but there may be a price to pay in not confronting your grief directly.  So do your best to be patient. It can take months or years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed life.

Remember your loved one by choosing to do something meaningful to you, such as kiss their photo good night, buy a special Christmas ornament every year in their memory, write a letter telling them you remember a special event or a specific time your shared together, or put together a special album in honor of your loved one.  Celebrate their life and how their life touched your life for a reason. Moving through your grief doesn’t mean “forgetting” your loved one, rather it’s getting passed the day your loved one passed on and remembering the times in which they lived.

Find strength and comfort in God’s Word.  Consider these sure words of comfort from Scripture.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18  

“For the Lord hath comforted his people, and will have mercy upon his afflicted.” Is 49:13

Those who mourn will be comforted according to Jesus who said in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”

God comforts those go through troubles according to these words recorded in 2 Corinthians 1: 3, 4, “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”

“The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!’

The LORD is wonderfully good to those who wait for him and seek him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the LORD.

For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love.”
Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32  

Beth Baus is a Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Riverside, California.  She also teaches for Apostolic School of Theology / Hope International University.  For more information, visit her new website at www.ourhealthyfamilies.org

In spite of what we might believe about money and possessions, they are neither good nor bad.  Money is merely a medium of exchange.  It is the misuse and abuse of it that causes problems.  The scripture is full of financial principles that we want to incorporate in our lives and the lives of our family. I’ve provided just a few simple thoughts on some of those principles for you to consider.      

• Prepare
  • The scripture teaches modest living practices which includes saving for lean times.  Joseph gives us a great example on how to accomplish this. It really doesn’t take a scientist to figure it out; just cut down on what you use during your more prosperous days and put the rest away. It took seven years for it to come to pass, but if they hadn’t built storage bins and filled them with grain when there was plenty of food to go around, there wouldn’t have been enough during the dry season and many people would have died.  Scripture makes it pretty clear, “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.”  (Prov 22:7)

• Be Practical
  • It really is ok to dream big dreams, however, be realistic.  Proverbs 28:19 puts it this way, “He who works his land will have abundant food, but the one who chases fantasies will have his fill of poverty.”  If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.  Don’t fall for get rich schemes.  They’re usually money suckers.  The scripture reminds us to have self control, “Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint.” (Prov 24:4 NIV).  This is good advice!

• Plan Ahead
  • Having faith in God does not mean that we don’t plan ahead.  The scripture reminds us that, “The plans of the diligent lead surely to plenty, but those of everyone who is hasty, surely to poverty.” (Prov 21:5)  So where do we start?  First off we need to spend less and save more.  It really is that simple, but for many of us it is not. We simply forget and get caught up in the moment. It’s easy to want to buy that new car, go to that expensive restaurant, or buy that new black dress (even if we have 3 others in the same color).  Nevertheless, it’s often the simple things that have the biggest positive impacts on our finances. So as the scripture reminds us in Prov. 6; 6-8, plan ahead, work hard, and put something aside for a rainy day. “Go to the ant, O sluggard, observe her ways and be wise, which, having no chief, officer or ruler, prepares her food in the summer and gathers her provision in the harvest.”  

• Prosperity
  • As Christians, is it a bad thing to want to be prosperous?   Absolutely not!  What I am not saying is that we wear ourselves out to make money and give only to receive. What I am saying is that working hard and giving of our abundance is a biblical concept. The scripture tells us that if we give, we will prosper. Proverbs 11:25 says that “a generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.”  Giving sets us free, while hoarding entraps us. (James 5:2)  It also brings blessing back to us (Luke 6:38) and allows us to store up treasures in Heaven rather than here on the earth (Matthew 19:21).

Here are a few more money scriptures to consider:

What the Bible says about investing

Proverbs 24:27
Prepare your work outside and make it ready for yourself in the field; afterwards, then, build your house.

Proverbs 28:20
A faithful man will abound with blessings, but he who makes haste to be rich will not go unpunished.

 Ecclesiastes 11:2
Give a portion to seven, and also the eight; for thou knowest not what evil shall be upon the earth.

Proverbs 15:22
Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.

 What the Bible says about lending

Matthew 5:42
Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you.

Proverbs 3:27-28
Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and come back, and tomorrow I will give it,” when you have it with you.

Exodus 22:25
If you lend money to My people, to the poor among you, you are not to act as a creditor to him; you shall not charge him interest.

What the Bible says about debt

Deuteronomy 15:6
For the LORD your God will bless you as He has promised you, and you will lend to many nations, but you will not borrow; and you will rule over many nations, but they will not rule over you.

Psalm 37:21
The wicked borrows and does not pay back, but the righteous is gracious and gives.

Proverbs 22:7
The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower becomes the lender s slave.

Romans 13:8
Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law.

 What the Bible says about provision and God meeting our needs

Matthew 7:11
If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!

Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

1 Chronicles 28:20
David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished.

Beth D. Baus is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and has a private practice in Riverside, CA.  She teaches for Apostolic School of Theology / Hope International University.  Visit her new website at www.ourhealthyfamilies.org

Many adults don’t realize how often kids see and experience bullying at school.  Sometimes, adults at school know that a child is being bullied, but they may not know what to do, or may not realize the extent of hurt the bullying is causing a child.

Nevertheless, if your child complains that another kid or kids are saying or doing mean things to them, don’t assume the teacher or yard supervisor caught and stopped the behavior.  You may need to intervene in spite of your child’s request for you not to.

Kids often need help to stop bullying so you should never be afraid to contact your child’s school and report that your child is being bullied and ask for their help to stop it.  No child should have to tolerate bullying at school any more than you should tolerate name calling or taunting at work.

Here are a few tips on how to work with your school officials about the bullying problem your child is experiencing.

• Keep a record of the bullying incidents.  Record the kids names, where and when it happened.
• Meet with your child’s teacher and kindly tell her about your concerns.
• Ask her if she has noticed any of the bullying in class or if the other children seem to be excluding your child in some of the other school activities.
• Ask the teacher what she might be able to do to help stop the bullying from happening.
• Set up another meeting in the near future to discuss any progress.
• Keep notes of your meetings with the teacher and any other administrators.
•  If the bullying continues, set up an appointment to talk with the school principal. Be sure to take a copy of your notes with you and give a copy to them.
• Most school administrators are responsive to bullying concerns, however, if the bullying continues; write to your school superintendant for help.

[ Note:  If the bullying escalates and another child has physically assaulted your child or is seriously threatening them with bodily harm, you may want to consider involving law enforcement.  Ask you school administrator for the name and phone number of the school resource officer assigned to the school your child attends and contact them immediately.]

Every child is entitled to a safe learning environment and to be treated with respect by both students and staff at school.  To learn more about bullying and what you can do to stop it, go to www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov

Beth Baus is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Riverside, CA.  She teaches for Apostolic School of Theology / Hope International University.  To learn more, visit her new website at www.ourhealthyfamilies.org

Nevertheless, through our persistent efforts, some of us wives have successfully trained our husbands to at least adopt a semi-satisfying listening stance. That helps some. At least it gives us the impression they are listening, even if it’s only for a few fleeting moments. This can be somewhat satisfying, but only because deep inside we know that if they don’t hear us the first time, we WILL be sure to bring it up once again under another guise until we get at least a head nod, raised eye brows, or SOMETHING!

Although we women know that the listening capabilities of the 2010 husband are lacking, we are sure that what they do possess is great eyesight.  So if you want your husband to notice you, emphasize any and all visual stimuli. In plain terms, get him to notice you if that means jumping in his lap when he’s reading the paper, hiding his cell phone or even sabotaging his laptop.  Do whatever you have to do is all I’m saying, but get him to notice.  Although this technique is great for personal romance, it still doesn’t help us with our main problem; getting him to listen. 

In spite of some malfunction in this arena, we wives cannot lose all hope for future stimulating conversations. I believe it was the most recent Consumer Report magazine that claimed some kind of reprogramming software coming available soon.  So, although the 2010 husband’s communicative skills are still deficient, don’t give up hope.  I heard that Microsoft will soon be announcing a new and improved product that will be ready in the next millennium. Someone tell Mrs. Gates to kiss Bill for all us women…that is, if she can get his attention.  Women, hang in there!!!  J

“For I am confident of this very thing,
that He who began a good work in you
will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

                                                            Phil 1:6 NAS

Beth Baus is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and has a private practice in Riverside, California.  She is an instructor for Apostolic School of Theology/Hope International University. Sis Baus attends Inland Lighthouse Church pastored by Rev. Larry Booker.  Check out her new website…thank you Bro. Aydin for doing such a great job putting the website together! www.ourhealthyfamilies.org